My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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