So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
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Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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