i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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