I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize