My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
