Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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