My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
