you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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