turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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