Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
