he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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