btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
