....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I looked at my own cervix.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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