i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Houston, we have a blender
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
