at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
