I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
