hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
