I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
And then he peed in my hair
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