i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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