I molested 6 butterflies tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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