i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
