Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
