im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
