The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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