we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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