apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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