Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
