cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
