I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
