She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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