I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
