i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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