yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
