turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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