Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
