dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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