I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
