why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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