yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
