My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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