god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
