my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
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