My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
