You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
