you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
