Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
