yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
