Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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