I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who did Billy Mays play for?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
