If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This is the high leading the old right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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