im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
