ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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