Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
