I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
