I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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