you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
